Maybe you have watched that movie classic, It’s a Wonderful Life. Christmas seems to be a good time to watch it — again! Dubbed by the American Film Institute as one of the best films ever made, Clarence Oddbody, an apprentice, “2nd. class” angel trying to earn his wings is sent to save George Bailey from his own self-doubting nature and from a greedy banker named Henry F. Potter.
In the film's most famous scene at the end, Clarence the Angel leaves George Bailey a copy of Mark Twain’s adventure story, Tom Sawyer. Surrounded by scores of friends singing in celebration of Christmas, George smilingly opens the front cover of the book, and we see what Clarence has wisely written:
“Dear George, Remember, no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings! Love Clarence.”
Of some 70,000 people surveyed by University College London, a major public research university, 22% said their friendship quality worsened... and that was after only 7 to 30 days of isolation.
Certainly the Scriptures devote a lot of space to the subject of interpersonal relationships. I mean, try reading through the Book of Proverbs some time without tripping across friendship wisdom. It’s all over the proverbial field.
Still, the Bible perspective is different from what we might think, since our preoccupation is usually with having friends. While we can credit social media giant Facebook with turning the word ‘friend’ into a verb, let’s face it, even the nouns are mostly fake – nothing more than superficial connections. Even Robin Dunbar, now emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology at Oxford University, offers that when it comes to the size of personal social connections, you can count on having only 1.5 intimates... and 5 close friends. After that it’s all chaff, it seems: 15 best friends... 50 good friends... and 150 friends — which leaves me wondering about which ones I am supposed to trust! So, hey, if you genuinely believe a surface-level, Facebook friend is the same as a real-life friend, then as the idiomatic saying goes, “Knock yourself out.”
What I like about the Bible, is that its focus is on being a friend and though this subtle shift of simple participles seems unassumingly harmless, the difference in perspective is significant, and the implications are life-changing.
There is probably no better example of lasting, selfless, genuine friendship than that found in I Samuel 20, a gripping tale about David's fight with disillusionment and trouble — and the caring, honoring respect and love of a devoted friend named Jonathan, who cared more about being . . . then having. In observing this friendship, I see three ingredients, which when lived out faithfully, will make us better friends in our post-pandemic life.
Ingredient #1: Friends speak peace into our hearts when we feel overwhelmed.
"You're not going to die". [v. 2] (20:1-4)
A lot has happened in David's life since Samuel the prophet made his promises to him in I Samuel 16. Earlier in the Valley of Elah, the Philistine war machine had suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of a young David. When the adversaries met and clashed in battle, seconds later Goliath lay on the ground – not only stoned out of his mind but also stoned out of his life.
That victory moved David to center stage - and though the reproach of Israel had been removed by David's public demonstration of his trust in God, regrettably it also fueled the fires of Saul's evil heart. A new star had appeared … and it was beginning to outshine the brilliance of Saul. So when innocent womenfolk praised David (18:7), everybody sang the same tune, everybody that is but one — Saul the king. Royal prestige had been eclipsed by a commoner. Suspicion and jealousy germinated inside the guy from Benjamin and poured from his spirit -- and his grim logic concluded that David had to be eliminated.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art ... It has
no survival value; rather it is one of those things which
give value to survival.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
The opening words of I Samuel 20 tell us that David fled in his distress from Naioth (19:20-21) to seek out the counsel of his friend Jonathan and ask him in reassuring tones why Saul seeks his life. Arriving at Gibeah, he plunges almost breathless, directly into his urgent questions. The excitement and shrill tone in the 3 questions are self-evident. "What have I done?"... "What is my crime?"... "How have I wronged your father that he is trying to take my life?" (20:1).
It is in the midst of his flagging faith that the encouraging words of a friend are spoken: "You are not going to die," says Jonathan . . . and with these words he introduces us to our first ingredient of friendship.
For years William Wilberforce pushed Britain's Parliament for the abolition of slavery. Discouraged, he was about to give up, but then his elderly friend John Wesley, the leader of Methodism, heard about his discouragement and from his death bed wrote the following letter to William:
"Unless God has raised you up for this very thing, you will be worn out by the opposition of men and devils. But if God be for you, who can be against you.” Are all of them stronger than God? Oh, be not weary of well-doing! Go on, in the name of God and in the power of His might."
Wesley died six days later, but the force of his letter pushed Wilberforce to fight another 45 more years and in 1833, 3 days before his own death, he saw slavery abolished in Britain.
“Friendship is born the moment when one man says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
For sure there are many things that can test a friendship—a crisis, a lack of loyalty or availability, emotional and physical distance, or maybe disagreement over mask-wearing, vaccinations ... or a blog article. Still, in this story Jonathan listened as an honest friend. An honest friend in this sense that when he disagreed with David, he was not afraid to say so. Personally, I think that's one of the major tests of genuine friendship — how we handle disagreements; those times when we say "I don't agree with that." "I don't agree with that assessment … that decision … that opinion.”
Jonathan shines here with iridescent beauty. He has the least to gain and the most to lose.
He knew that David was ordained by God to succeed his father's throne - yet he loved him. He knew that to befriend David was to offend his father - yet he warmly befriended him.
He knew that David must increase and he must decrease - but there was no disturbing jealousy, only unrequited loyalty.
The poet Robert Frost once said "Home is the place where
they have to take you in" Not so with friends. Friends chose
to do what family is obliged to do.
What is it about discouragement that strips our lives of joy and fruitfulness? I do not know all the reasons. In fact, I do not even know most of the reasons. However, these few verses in I Samuel 20 do teach me one of the reasons: it is because we do not have a refuge … a sanctuary … a safe harbor. Shelters are hard to come by these days — especially people-shelters like Jonathan who care enough to be available and listen — when folks feel like they are going under for the last time.
David is cornered and bruised by adversity, struggling with low self-esteem, failing in strength and wounded in spirit. He needs the voice of a true friend. He needs the ear of someone into whom he could pour out his fear and distress — and so he turns to his only human source for help. And in unqualified love -- Jonathan speaks peace into David's heart. "You're not going to die". And then he pledges his loyalty: "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it." (v. 4). Friends speak peace into our hearts when we feel overwhelmed
Ingredient #2: Friends take our part when others are trying to take us a-part.
"If I had the least inkling that my father . . . wouldn't I tell you?" [v. 9] (20:5-11)
One of my favorite theological books is "The Gospel according to Peanuts." I love the fabulous little world of Charlie Brown, Lucy, Schroder, Linus, Shermy and, of course, Snoopy that anthropomorphic beagle.
In one of Mr. Schultz's cartoons Lucy is sitting behind a booth with a banner on it reading: Psychiatric Help - 5¢ Dr. Lucy is IN. Charlie Brown, deep in thought, is pouring out his soul to her. Here’s the conversation:
Charlie Brown: “I feel lonely and depressed.”
Lucy: “This is ridiculous. You should be ashamed of yourself Charlie Brown. You've got the whole world to live in! There's beauty all around you. There are things to do … great things to be accomplished. No man trods this earth alone! We are all together; one generation taking up where the other generation left off."
Charlie Brown: "You're right Lucy! You're right. You've made me see things differently … I realize that I am part of this world. I'm not alone. I have friends!”
Lucy: “Oh ya? NAME ONE?”
Charlie Brown, with his globe-like head and his T-shirt of thorns, is a kind of 21st century representation of us, isn’t he? Like David, Charlie looks for hope in the same kind of human love we all look to, our friends — but Lucy will not cooperate.
Jonathan is different. He is the kind of person, who, if he was the captain of the basketball team in gym class, would pick you first even though he knows his 4 yr. old sister could outplay you blind-folded while wearing chest waders, riding a pogo-stick., with an arm behind her back and …. suffering from malaria. Jonathan tells David his father is simply a victim of passing evil moods and means no permanent harm.
The coronavirus has made a good many people grumpy, fearful and fed-up, even chipping away on the quality of our friendships – changing what we value in a friend.
David is unconvinced (v. 5) so in a taste of spy-craft, it is agreed that on the special feast day of the New Moon, David would be absent from the royal table — a duty he was expected to perform since he was captain of Saul's armies. If he was missed by Saul, Jonathan would plead his cause with the excuse that David had returned to Bethlehem for a festive family reunion. If Saul agreed, then all was well. But if Saul flew into a rage, commanding Jonathan to bring David to him — David entreats his friend to kill him with his own hands, rather than turn him over to Saul.
Listen to Jonathan’s reply: "If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn't I tell you?" (v. 9). And it is here we discover a 2nd. ingredient of friendship.
I Samuel 18:3 says Jonathan loved David "as he loved himself". In the words of Anne of Green Gables: "They were of kindred spirit". While David was emotionally bleeding -- someone in God's family cared enough to come along side; to say the right thing at the right time -- and take David's part when others were trying to take him a-part. As someone once said, "A friend not only defends our reputation, they become involved with our problem."
Jonathan wants to meet his friend’s deepest levels of need and shield him from the blows that life delivers on a daily basis, so he gives David a ‘courage transfusion’ by saying that he is prepared to stand bravely in his friend's defense while others are lusting to take him out!
Ingredient #3: Friends build bridges of hope when we see no future for ourselves.
"… cut off every one of David's enemies." [v. 15] (20:12-17)
The Bible says Jonathan took David into the solitude of the field (v. 11), apart from the busy activity of the city, and the possible approach of an intruder. There they enter into a solemn covenant. Jonathan takes the lead: 1st he binds himself (v. 12) to faithfully communicate to David the state of affairs on the part of his father; and 2nd he binds David to be kind to him and his family when David in the future does become the King of Israel.
Somebody has said that one of the marks of a true friend is
that they are there when there is every reason for them not to be,
when to be there is sacrificially costly.
No one is immune from stress and loneliness. And ‘Yes’, even the godly can sink. That is why it's nice to have a loyal friend lift our eyes from the present circumstances, build a bridge of hope and remind us that our future is bright with God's promises. True, there are folks who feel diminished, even threatened, when called to affirm others...but a person with a well-defined self-image will not have any difficulty risking trust and transparency in order to build a future in those who see no future for themselves.
Here is Jonathan. He is in possession of all the rights of the throne, yet he relinquishes everything and throws himself on the mercy of one who possessed nothing, and confers on David the future throne of Israel where he will possess royal power and bestow royal grace.
Jonathan could not see all that was ahead. He did not know how it was all going to come out. He knew only that God had said that the kingship was moving over to David. In ancient times, this could only mean that David would survive — and Jonathan would not.
“I came up with one thing And I don't believe I'm wrong That nobody, But nobody Can make it out here alone.”
― Maya Angelou, “Alone”
The closing scene in this chapter is a heart-warming one. Two friends, embracing, weeping, vowing their enduring friendship. The last link is broken! Jonathan will now return to the city to face a court hostile to his good friend and in a little while will die on the moors of Mt. Gilboa, alongside his hopeless, hapless father. And David? He will return to the path of suffering until he is promoted to his divine destiny.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10
If you find yourself thinking — “I wish I had that kind of friend. I wish I had someone who would weather the storms that sweep me,” then the best way to get that kind of friend is to be that kind of friend. Heaven knows there are enough David’s out there who could use a life-changing lift. “Only Saying...”
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